


Call me Sonny

by sonny (transzsasz)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Bisexual Rafael Barba, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mike is a good friend, Nonbinary Character, Sonny needs a hug, barba is a good boyfriend, he/they sonny, nonbinary sonny, sonny is just so done, sonny needs better friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 17:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30143052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzsasz/pseuds/sonny
Summary: "Now really isn't the time to talk about Carisi's nickname when...""It's not a nickname," Sonny snapped, cutting Liv off, "Sonny isn't some dumb nickname."
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	Call me Sonny

**Author's Note:**

> coming out fic!!! sonny is he/they nonbinary!
> 
> it had to be done, i will forever be mad that they asked to be called sonny and nobody listened wtf

The day was long, it was stressful and Sonny just wanted to go home, he wanted to get into bed and block out everyone who wasn't Rafael, he was the only one actually keeping him sane during the madness of the day. Only Rafe was currently arguing with Liv in her office over evidence, Amanda was angry after being reprimanded for stepping out of line _again_ , Fin was running on so little sleep that even he was beginning to get tetchy and Mike was pacing, trying to interrupt Liv and Rafe with his own facts which would probably turn into another mess because Rafael won't hesitate to hand him his ass just for getting in the way.

Sonny sat at his desk, desperately trying to piece things together so he can drag Rafael away and just go home but he was so tired nothing made sense, it didn't help that Amanda was going on and on about how unfair it was that she was in trouble and Sonny was finding it so difficult to not snap at her. He grabbed his case file and stood up, going over to the board where all the crime scene photos were pinned, the evidence laid out in front of him, the quiet calmed him for just a second and it only lasted that long because Amanda followed him in, "Dominick, I was talking." She said, her tone even more annoyed if that was possible.

"And I'm tryna work here Amanda."

"And I'm not?" Sonny clenched his fists, counting to five before releasing them again.

"I don't know."

"Dominick, what is wrong with you?" Amanda tried to step in front of him and the evidence board, which was a really bad idea, Sonny was beginning to feel angry now and he knew it wasn't just over this case and how badly it was going, he was so close to throwing the file in his hand to the floor and leaving; his job be damned.

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"Amanda, please, I'm just... I'm trying to look at the evidence right now and you're getting in the way." He said, looking over the top of her, being six foot really had it's advantages, trying to make it look like he was focused.

"I don't understand why you're acting this way," She said, but she did move to the side, "You're supposed to be my friend."

"I am."

"Friends have each others backs Dom." Sonny tensed, placing the file onto the table before he accidently crumpled it beyond recognition.

"That is so unfair."

"Is it?" Amanda scoffed, "You just stood there and let Liv chew me out." Sonny turned to face her, case forgotten.

"Because _you_ were the one who went against her," Sonny snapped, "Liv told you not to go the suspects house, she gave you those specific instructions but you still did it, what did you expect me to say?"

"I don't know, maybe just stick up for me, I got a confession didn't I?"

"And what use is that? It was coerced and obtained illegally, Rafe can't use it in court and now we're struggling to find a way to pin it on this guy." Amanda's jaw dropped.

"That is so uncalled for."

"Is it?"

"What is your problem? You've been so irritable and it's driving me mad, Dominick." Sonny was close to screaming now, his head was beginning to hurt from the tension and he didn't hear the footsteps approach them.

"Carisi." 

_"What?"_ He snapped, turning on his heel to face Mike, "Sarge, sorry... I..." Mike shook his head.

"It's fine," He said, "Liv wanted to know where we're at now."

"We haven't moved," Sonny said, resting against the table, turning his head back to the evidence board, "I can't find the right angle to look at it."

"Well try harder Carisi," Liv said, entering the room, Fin and Rafe following closely behind. Rafael caught his eyes, asking him if he was okay without the words; Sonny nodded once.

"I just don't get how."

"There has to be something, we have witnesses possibly putting this guy at the scene, along with the surveillance footage but no motive."

"The confession has been thrown out of the window, so we can't use that," Rafael said, walking across the room to stand near Sonny as he looked at everything they had, "That's been suppressed."

"And that's my fault I'm guessing?" Amanda said, putting her hands on her hips.

"I didn't see Sonny flirting a confession out of him." Rafael said, without even looking at her, his eyes scanning over the board.

"Dominick are you seriously going to let him talk to me like that?"

"I'm not his keeper Amanda, and he's not wrong either." Sonny took a step forward, looking as some snapshots from the surveillance footage, something catching his eye.

"This is bullshit."

"Amanda, stop it before I make you sit out of this," Liv said, "Carisi is right."

"Looks like Carisi is onto something else." Fin said, walking around the table to watch them as they took off the surveillance pictures.

"What is it, Sonny?" Rafe asked, his voice gentle compared to everyone else.

"I think we should..."

"Why do you call him Sonny?" Mike asked, the atmosphere changed in the room, Sonny looked up at him, "I'm sorry, this really isn't the time, it's just... you're the only person who calls him it and I've always wondered, I'm guessing it's just a couple thing and none of my business."

"I call them it because it's their name." Rafael answered like it was obvious.

"I thought it was Dominick?"

"It is, Sonny it just a nickname Dom gave us on his first day," Amanda said, "Asked us to call him Sonny."

"And... you guys just... didn't?" Mike asked, Sonny watch him carefully, curious about where he was going with this, he could sense Rafe do the same thing.

"Of course not, like I said, it was just a dumb nickname." Liv sighed.

"Now really isn't the time to talk about Carisi's nickname when..."

"It's not a nickname," Sonny snapped, cutting Liv off, "Sonny isn't some dumb nickname."

"Carisi." Liv's tone had a hint of warning to it but Sonny didn't care anymore.

"Ya know, when I first joined I was so excited, it was a fresh start for me, a way to boost my career and to be open," Sonny pushed himself away from the table, "But I haven't felt this far back in the closet for a long time."

"What are you on about? We all know you're gay, it's fairly obvious." Fin said, gesturing to Rafael who stood up straight beside him.

"I'm bi, but that's not what I'm talking about right now," They said, "I'm talking about the fact that I walked in here on my first day and asked you to call me Sonny and then you all ignored that, and don't give me some bullshit about how it's just a nickname when everyone uses Liv or Fin at their request."

"Those are just abbreviations of our names, it's not the same." Liv said, her tone was steady, like she was talking to one of her feral suspects but that's exactly how Sonny was feeling right now.

"You're right Lieu, it's not the same, wanna know why?" Sonny's eyes couldn't settle on who to look at, flitting between Amanda, Liv and Fin, this wasn't aimed at Mike, they realised that he honestly didn't know, "It's not the same because Sonny is my chosen name, not Dominick or Dom or Carisi, it's Sonny."

"Chosen name?" Amanda looked so confused.

"I'm non-binary," There he said it, it was out in the open now, "Meaning I'm not a guy."

"But Barba calls you his boyfriend?" Fin said.

"Because I feel comfortable with that, I really don't have to explain myself, but I guess I'm male aligned but not a guy, I use the pronouns he, him, his and they, them and theirs," Sonny said, he could feel himself shaking, Rafael put a gentle hand on his arm, "And my name is Sonny." Everyone just stared at him, clearly trying to process it, Amanda let out an awkward laugh, taking a small step back from him.

"I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything Amanda, I just needed you all to know because I really don't know how much longer I can go on with everyone not calling me Sonny."

"Is this really necessary?" Fin asked, "If you still use male terms, do you really need to tell us all this."

"Yes, it is necessary Fin, I really don't care if you don't understand what I'm going through or who I am, but do you have any idea how hard it is for me when we have a trans victim and everyone is so obsessed with their gender that their case becomes secondary, everyone so confused why someone would change their gender?" Sonny started to feel choked up, "It's so hard, because I understand what they're going through in that sense because I've been there, I grew up in a household that doesn't understand I just didn't think I'd have to work with a bunch of people who didn't give a shit either."

"We do care," Liv said, "We just..."

"Just what?" Sonny asked, "I'm so tired of being ignored, the only person here who respects my name, who respects _me,_ is Rafael." Mike moved closer to him, the table still between them but he looked genuinely upset.

"Listen, Sonny, I'm really sorry I..."

"No, this isn't on you Mike, you didn't know because I gave up trying to tell people," Sonny said, "You don't have to apologise."

"Now this is out and in the open, can we get back to the case?" Liv said, everyone else finally seeming eager to work compared to before, and Sonny just wanted to cry, it felt like a completely wasted conversation. 

"Are you serious, Liv?" Rafael said, his tone tight, "That's it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen your compassion, I know you," He said, stepping around Sonny so he could look at Liv properly, "Where is all that understanding now?"

"I... I just, we need this case solving sooner rather than later, we can deal with Carisi's confession when it's done."

"Did you not listen to a word they said?"

"Of course."

"So you just willingly chose to ignore it? Is that it?" Rafael looked tense, minor tremors in his shoulders giving him away to Sonny, "Sonny just laid his heart out to you, they're _your_ detective who has finally found the courage to come out to you, to the whole squad after you guys have been making him feel like shit since day one and he gets pushed aside? To 'deal with later'? And then you still call them _Carisi_ after them asking you to call them Sonny, _again?"_

"Listen, Barba, we have more pressing things right now and..." Rafe scoffed.

"Yeah, and which detective was it that fucked this whole thing for us?" Rafael snapped, Sonny felt a little worried, Rafe wasn't really one for totally losing his cool in front of so many people, "We could have had this probably sorted by now, but then I get slapped in the face with a suppression notice because the suspect was coerced into giving that confession? How do you expect me to win a case when I have _nothing?"_

"We're trying."

"Try harder because I'm done," Rafael said, "A simple apology, a bit of understanding, would have sufficed for now, but instead you chose to ignore this, expect him to get straight back to work without any sign that you're sorry for putting him through so much."

"Rafa..."

"No, you need to find something to help this case, I don't care what, but just don't expect Sonny to be helping tonight, you can have them back tomorrow when, hopefully, you've learnt to actually respect them." Liv looked lost, nobody was saying anything, everyone looked like they were too scared to say anything. They held eye contact for a while, Liv breaking first, looking away and glancing at Sonny.

"He's right," Sonny said, he was hurt, "I didn't mean to blow up the way I did, but it happened and all I ask if for you all to respect who I am, to use Sonny over the name it says on my file, it's all I've ever asked from you guys."

"We'll do that, Sonny," Mike said, "I promise, this hasn't gone unnoted, right Lieu?" Liv nodded stiffly.

"I'm sorry, I..." Rafe grabbed Sonny's arm, stopping him from apologising.

"No, you're not saying sorry," He said, "Come on, we're going home." Sonny didn't say anything as Rafe took his hand and started walking out of the room, he stopped just as they were about to leave.

"I'd question the sister again, I don't think our suspect is our guy, check the surveillance." Everyone moved straight to the photos Sonny had left on the table, everyone but Mike who gave him a small smile which Sonny returned, then he left with Rafael.

They didn't speak much on the journey home to their apartment, Sonny didn't know what to say. He always thought that he'd feel so much better being out to everyone but instead he just felt overwhelmed with guilt because it shouldn't have gone down like that, he should have just sucked it up and told them all at a better time; then he just walked out and left them with this case that they were struggling with.

"Are you okay?" Rafael asked once they were inside the comfort of their apartment.

"I just walked out on them, in the middle of a case, how the hell am I supposed to go back tomorrow?" Sonny said, shrugging his jacket off and throwing it onto the couch as he entered the living room, "I left them when they needed me, _fuck."_

"Sonny, no, baby," Rafael walked around him, standing in front of him, "Do not feel bad for that, I dragged you out of there without asking you if you even wanted to leave, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Sonny sighed, "I just... didn't expect today to go like this, I didn't expect to come out to everyone and then ruin my friendship with Amanda... oh," Sonny met Rafe's eyes, "You're relationship with Liv..."

"My relationship with Liv will be fine, it's not the first time I've called her out or she's called me out, plus she needed to hear it," He said, taking Sonny's hands in his, "She needed to know how much she and the whole squad has put you through just by ignoring your simple ask."

"I just... I..." Sonny felt so stupid when he started to cry, "I didn't think it was going to be so hard." Rafael took him into his arms, holding him close and gently shushed him.

"Don't waste your tears on them, it'll be okay," Rafael's tone was soft, comforting, "Your friendship with Amanda will be fine, you didn't say anything she didn't deserve, Mike seems totally understanding so you still have him and you didn't leave them completely clueless, you gave them something to work with."

"I just wish I didn't feel so awful inside."

"I understand, I wish I could take that away from you," Rafael whispered, "But it will be okay, I promise."

"But..."

"No, none of that, it will be okay."

"Thank you," Sonny wished he could stop crying, he felt so pathetic, "For everything."

"There's nothing to thank me for, I'm here to support you," Rafael kissed his shoulder, "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Are you hungry?" Sonny shook his head, "That's okay, do you want to go lay down?"

"Will you come lie with me?"

"Of course." Sonny nodded, they pulled back and Rafael took Sonny's face into his hands, wiping away his tears and smiling at him. "You're such a wonderful person, tomorrow will be okay, give them the night to process it," Rafe said, "And if they still choose to disrespect you I'll take them to court." Sonny laughed at that.

"Thanks baby."

"Anything for you," Rafael kissed him, then took their hands in his, "Let's go lie down."

  
It was late, or maybe it was early morning, Sonny didn't really care. All he wanted was to go to sleep but he couldn't, his brain was swimming with so many thoughts. He wanted to get out of bed, maybe get a drink or to distract himself with TV but Rafael was asleep beside him, he was twitchy which meant he wasn't sleeping very deeply and Sonny would just feel worse for waking his boyfriend when he sleeps so shitty normally anyway.

They kept playing their blow up over and over again in his head, surprisingly though the guilt that surrounded that memory eased up each time he thought about it. Rafael was right, he shouldn't apologise for the way he reacted because they should have just respected Sonny the day he walked into the precinct and said 'Call me Sonny', they were supposed to be a team and yet he'd always felt a little bit like he was constantly sat on the sidelines, a weird distance between them, even with Amanda who was supposed to be his best friend.

Sonny kept thinking about Mike though, how torn up he had really looked when Sonny had come out. Mike really seemed shocked that the squad just ignored Sonny's request at being call Sonny and the fact he reassured him that it was going to change, that his gender identity and name was going to be taken seriously really meant everything to him; maybe they should ask Mike to hang out after work more, he feels like they'd probably get on really well.

Rafael shifted in his sleep again, he was unsettled and Sonny could only guess it was from this case they were stuck on, Amanda really did put a spanner in the works but then again, maybe that wouldn't even matter considering Sonny was now completely convinced it wasn't that guy at all. The sister told them that she was nowhere near her brother that night, that she hadn't even seen him in weeks only she was in that surveillance footage, he swore she was. He hoped they listened to him, that they'd find something and that it would put them all at ease.

"Stop thinking, it's too loud," Rafael murmured, rubbing his face against Sonny's chest, "Get some sleep."

"Okay, I'm sorry for waking you." Rafe shrugged.

"Doesn't matter, just... sleep." Sonny laughed softly and kissed the top of his head. They pulled Rafe closer and got settled into the pillows, closing his eyes and trying to sleep.

  
Sonny doesn't remember falling asleep but he had done since the next thing he knew he was being woken up by his alarm and they were getting ready for the day, sharing an Uber with Rafe as they both made their way to the precinct to see where they'd gotten to on that case last night. Rafael walked in like nothing had happened, as if he didn't completely go off on one to Liv in front of the rest of the squad, whereas Sonny fell back a little bit, head hung low as he felt the shame from his near break down from last night coming back to hit him in the face.

When they got inside, they both slowed down, nobody was at their desk which was kinda concerning, Sonny walked to his desk and put his briefcase down, Rafael following close behind. He noticed an envelope on top of the wooden surface, it was addressed to him but with his actual name, not Carisi, not Dominick but _Sonny._ He looked at Rafe before opening it. Inside was a card, a picture of a cartoon sun that was smiling widely was on the front, inside was several messages, each one of his team had signed it and wrote that they were proud of him, he showed Rafe who smiled at it. Sonny laughed and put it on display on his desk, "I wonder where they are now," He said, "Think we should try the evidence room." Rafael nodded, following Sonny to the room where it all kicked off last night.

Everyone was in there when they arrived, the air didn't feel as awkward as he was expecting but it still didn't feel as easy as it normally was, "Morning." Sonny greeted, unsure about where he should go.

"Morning Sonny," Mike smiled at him, "Welcome back."

"I was only gone one night."

"One night too many," Liv said turning to face him, Sonny felt uneasy now he couldn't get a read on Liv, "Caught a big break."

"Wait, what?" Sonny asked, confused, that wasn't what he was expecting.

"The sister, you were right man," Fin said, "She broke within the first five minutes of her being here during questioning."

"So we have an actual confession you can use Barba," Amanda said, she wouldn't look at them but Sonny had known her long enough to know that getting her to admit she was wrong was a big step, "Sorry... for before."

"Just don't do it again." Barba said, Amanda nodded.

"Good work Sonny," Liv said, Sonny perked up, "You gave us a pointer in the right direction and it paid off, we should have listened to you... from the beginning." Sonny realised she wasn't talking about the case anymore.

"It's okay."

"No, it isn't," Liv reached behind her, picking up a file from the table, "We should have respected you and last night shouldn't have happened and Barba was right, I'm your lieutenant and I should have acted like it, I was in the wrong and I'm really sorry."

"You're... forgiven?" Sonny said, not really sure how to respond to that but when Liv smiled at them, they realised that it was a good response.

"I have your file here, there's some changes I've made to it, I just need you to go through it and then sign it off so I can put it in the system." She handed over the file, Sonny took it from her. Inside was his personnel file, Sonny could feel the tears burn his eyes when he saw that Dominick had been replaced with Sonny under preferred name and that Liv had changed his gender to non-binary, he looked at Rafe first, like he always does, before turning his attention onto the team.

"I... I don't know what to say." Sonny wiped at his eyes, feeling overwhelmed, Rafael put a hand on his back, pressing his fingers tips gently into his skin, keeping him grounded.

"You don't need to say anything," Mike said, "It was important that you told us, I told you that things would change and I meant it, we all did, we're a team and we support each other."

"Thank you."

"We're proud of you Sonny," Liv walked towards him, putting an hand on his shoulder, "For a lot of things."

"I'm..." Amanda stepped forward, Sonny felt helpful but then she shook her head, "I have some reports to get from this case for you Barba, I... I'll go get them." She didn't look at Sonny as she walked out of the room and Sonny felt his stomach drop.

"Give her some time," Rafael said, noticing the way Sonny's smile slipped, Sonny nodded, Rafael tapped him in a way that they knew already, he wanted him to tilt his head closer to him, Sonny did, "Remember, court." Rafe whispered in his ear, they laughed this time, feeling a little lighter but not enterily better.

"Thank you, I'll keep it in mind." They said, standing up straight.

"Good, now," Rafe turned to Liv, "A confession? A case? Tell me what you've got and what I'm working with," Liv nodded.

"We'll talk in my office." She squeezed Sonny's shoulder and smiled at him before removing her hand, "Everyone else, get to work." She said as she walked out of the room.

"Make sure you check that and sign it," Rafael said, pointing to the file still in Sonny's hand, "Get it done as soon as possible."

"I will."

"I know," Rafe quickly kissed his cheek, a thing he never really does at work unless they were hidden and alone in Rafe's office, "Proud of you." 

"Thank you." Rafael nodded, smiling at Sonny and then giving Mike a nod of thanks before leaving to go to Liv's office to talk about what to do next with the case in terms of prosecution, Fin followed him out, giving Sonny an awkward smile as he went.

"They'll come around," Mike said, Sonny turned to look at them, "But if they don't, you can come talk to me about it, they are your friends but I'm also your Sargent and I will sort it out."

"I appreciate that." 

"Any time." Mike smiled at him, for the first time in a while everything felt okay, Sonny knew that it wouldn't magically be perfect straight away, he had too much experience with 'give it time' and he knew he'd have to give Fin a lot of time because he'd already mentioend before, regarding a different case, that he didn't understand the whole gender thing. Sonny also knew that for some reason he was going to have to give Amanda time too, he's so used to putting himself last but this was important to him, Amanda was just going to have to deal with it; he looked at the file again.

"Hey, Mike?"

"Yeah, Sonny?" They looked up and smiled at him.

"Wanna come round to mine tonight? Take out and beers? Rafael will be there too so we could just go out if you'd rather." Mike smiled.

"Going to yours sounds great," He said, "After work, I'll be there." He sounded excited, it made Sonny feel happy, even after Mike was called out to check on something else and it was just Sonny and his personnel file, the feeling never changed.

  
Mike came over that night after work, the atmosphere was light and happy. The case was done with, Rafael made a deal and was on better terms with Liv than last night, Sonny's file was now officially updated and it made him feel the best he's ever felt, his relationship with Fin hadn't changed all that much and Amanda hadn't spoken to him but Sonny didn't expect it straight away.

Honestly, they didn't really care either, not when it turned out Mike had more in common with them than Sonny realised and Rafael was shaking his head, laughing about how there were 'two of them now'. Mike didn't look at him any differently, he even used both of Sonny's pronouns like it wasn't really a big deal.

For the first time in years, he realised that it wasn't a big deal and he shouldn't have to apologise for existing, that they're no longer going to apologise for being who he is.

He's Sonny and that's that.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if you like amanda/sonny friendship but it had to be done for the fic


End file.
